Divorce in South Africa is difficult for any family. While parents may face disappointment, anger, uncertainty, or financial pressure, children often experience the breakdown of the relationship very differently — and the impact of divorce on children can be lasting when conflict is not managed well.
For children, the conflict between their parents can sometimes feel heavier than the separation itself. This is especially true where children are placed in the middle of adult disputes, used to pass messages, asked to take sides, or exposed to negative comments about one parent by the other.
Understanding how parental conflict affects children during divorce — and what South African law says about it — is essential for any parent going through a separation. This guide explains the risks, the legal framework, and practical steps parents can take to protect their children.
When Children Become the Messengers
A common problem in high-conflict separations is that parents stop communicating directly and begin using the child as the link between them.
This may happen in small ways, such as asking the child to tell the other parent about a change in collection time, a payment issue, school requirements, or holiday arrangements. It may also happen in more serious ways, where a child is expected to carry complaints, accusations, or emotionally charged messages from one household to the other.
Although a parent may see this as convenient, it can place an unfair burden on the child. Children should not be expected to manage adult communication, negotiate arrangements, or absorb the emotional tension between their parents.
Children need stability, reassurance, and the freedom to love both parents without feeling responsible for the conflict between them.
Examples of Children Being Placed in the Middle
Parental conflict during divorce can affect children in different ways. Some common examples include:
- Asking a child to tell the other parent about contact arrangements, maintenance issues, or legal disputes.
- Refusing or delaying contact because of conflict between the parents.
- Making negative comments about the other parent in the child’s presence.
- Asking the child to choose which parent they prefer or where they want to live.
- Excluding one parent from school events, sports days, medical appointments, or important decisions.
- Sending messages through the child instead of communicating directly or through attorneys, mediators, or agreed communication channels.
These actions may seem minor at the time, but they can have a lasting impact on the child’s emotional security and relationship with both parents.
Withholding Contact During Divorce in South Africa
In some cases, one parent may withhold contact to punish the other parent. This may happen because maintenance has not been paid, because the parents are arguing, or because one parent is unhappy with the other parent’s conduct.
Do not use contact as a bargaining tool. A child’s relationship with a parent should not be dependent on adult disputes, unless there is a genuine concern about the child’s safety or welfare.
Where a court order or parenting plan regulates contact, a parent should avoid disregarding those arrangements without a proper legal basis. If you have concerns about the child’s safety, take the appropriate legal steps — such as approaching the court or the Family Advocate — rather than refusing contact without formally addressing the issue. Unlawfully withholding contact can result in make-up contact orders and other legal consequences.
Negative Comments About the Other Parent
Children often see themselves as connected to both parents. When one parent repeatedly insults, blames, or humiliates the other parent in front of the child, the child may feel confused, guilty, or pressured to reject part of their own family identity.
In severe cases, this pattern of behaviour can amount to parental alienation — a term used to describe conduct that undermines or damages a child’s relationship with one parent without justified cause. Parental alienation in South Africa is taken seriously by the courts, and repeated exposure of a child to conflict or denigration of a parent can influence care and contact arrangements.
This does not mean that a parent must ignore serious concerns. However, adults should handle concerns through appropriate channels, such as legal advice, mediation, counselling, the Family Advocate, or, where necessary, the courts. A child should not become the audience for adult grievances.
Asking Children to Choose Sides
Children should not be placed in a position where they feel that loving one parent means betraying the other. Asking a child to choose sides, to report on what happens in the other household, or to express loyalty against one parent can be harmful.
A child’s views may be relevant in legal proceedings, depending on the child’s age, maturity, and circumstances. Section 10 of the Children’s Act 38 of 2005 provides that every child that is of such an age, maturity, and stage of development as to be able to participate in any matter concerning that child has the right to participate in an appropriate way and to have their views expressed and given due consideration.
However, there is an important difference between allowing a child to be heard and pressuring a child to make adult decisions.
The Legal Framework: Best Interests of the Child in South Africa
In South African law, the best interests of the child are of paramount importance in every matter concerning a child. This principle appears in section 28(2) of the Constitution and is also central to the Children’s Act 38 of 2005.
The Children’s Act recognises parental responsibilities and rights, including:
- Care — providing the child with a suitable place to live, nurturing, and protection.
- Contact — maintaining a personal relationship with the child.
- Guardianship — making major decisions about the child’s life.
- Maintenance — contributing to the child’s financial support.
However, parents must exercise these rights and responsibilities in a way that supports the child’s welfare and development. When parental conflict begins to interfere with a child’s emotional wellbeing, relationship with a parent, schooling, routine, or sense of safety, the court may consider whether intervention is necessary to protect the child’s best interests.
Parenting Plans Under the Children’s Act
A parenting plan in South Africa is a written agreement between co-holders of parental responsibilities and rights, regulated under Section 33 of the Children’s Act. A parenting plan sets out how parents will exercise their responsibilities regarding care, contact, and decision-making after separation or divorce.
A well-drafted parenting plan can:
- Reduce conflict by providing clear rules for contact, communication, and decision-making.
- Protect the child from being caught in the middle of disputes.
- Provide a framework for handling disagreements without involving the child.
- Be made an order of court, giving it legal enforceability.
Parents seeking a parenting plan in South Africa can work with a family law attorney, mediator, or the Family Advocate to draft an agreement tailored to their family’s needs.
Possible Legal Consequences of Parental Conflict
Where parental conflict negatively affects a child, the consequences can extend beyond strained communication between the parents. Depending on the facts, a court may consider measures that protect the child and regulate how the parents exercise their responsibilities and rights.
These measures may include:
- A clearer parenting plan or court order regulating contact, communication, and decision-making.
- Directions about how parents must communicate, including the use of written communication or agreed platforms.
- Referral to mediation, counselling, parenting coordination, or the Family Advocate, where appropriate.
- Make-up contact where contact has been improperly withheld.
- Orders aimed at preventing one parent from exposing the child to ongoing adult conflict.
- In serious cases, a reconsideration of care or contact arrangements if the existing arrangements are no longer serving the child’s best interests.
The appropriate remedy will depend on the circumstances of the matter, the level of conflict, the terms of any existing court order or parenting plan, and the effect of the conduct on the child.
Disputes Over School and Important Events
School events, sports fixtures, prize-givings, parent meetings, and medical appointments can become sources of conflict after separation. One parent may fail to inform the other parent, discourage attendance, or use the event as an opportunity to create tension.
Parents should remember that these events belong to the child. A child should not have to worry about whether both parents will attend, whether there will be an argument, or whether one parent will be upset if the other parent is present.
Where possible, make practical arrangements in advance so the child can participate in important moments without being made responsible for the parents’ discomfort or disagreement. A co-parenting agreement or parenting plan can include specific provisions for how school events and shared activities will be handled.
Practical Co-Parenting Tips for Divorcing Parents in South Africa
Parents going through separation or divorce in South Africa should consider the following co-parenting guidelines:
- Do not use your child to pass messages to the other parent. Communicate directly.
- Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in the child’s presence.
- Keep adult legal, financial, and relationship disputes away from the child.
- Use direct, respectful, and recorded communication where possible — text, email, or a co-parenting app.
- Follow the parenting plan or court order unless there is a lawful reason not to do so.
- Keep routines, school arrangements, and contact times predictable.
- Obtain legal advice if communication has broken down or if contact is being withheld.
- Consider mediation or counselling before escalating disputes to court.
Good co-parenting in South Africa does not require parents to be friends. It does, however, require parents to place the child’s emotional wellbeing above the need to win arguments or punish each other.
What If Communication Has Broken Down?
Where direct communication is difficult, parents should consider practical alternatives. This may include:
- Communicating in writing (email or text) to create a record.
- Using a shared calendar for contact arrangements and school events.
- Agreeing on specific communication times and methods.
- Involving attorneys where appropriate to facilitate communication.
- Attending mediation to resolve disputes with the help of a neutral third party.
- Reviewing the parenting plan if the current arrangement is not working.
- Appointing a parenting coordinator to help manage ongoing disputes.
The goal should be to reduce the child’s exposure to conflict. Even where parents disagree strongly, communication about the child should remain focused, respectful, and child-centred.
How to Get a Parenting Plan in South Africa
If you are separating or divorcing and need a parenting plan in South Africa, the process generally involves:
- Consult a family law attorney to discuss your situation and your child’s needs.
- Draft a parenting plan covering care, contact, decision-making, communication, and dispute resolution.
- Engage the other parent — directly, through attorneys, or through mediation.
- Involve the Family Advocate if you cannot reach agreement or if the plan needs to be made an order of court.
- Make the plan an order of court to give it legal enforceability.
A parenting plan can be tailored to suit your family’s specific circumstances, whether you are married parents divorcing or unmarried parents separating. SchoemanLaw Inc can assist with drafting, negotiating, and registering a parenting plan that protects your child’s best interests.
Conclusion: Protecting Children From Parental Conflict During Divorce
Children should never be made the messengers, referees, or emotional witnesses in disputes between their parents. Divorce may change the structure of a family, but it should not require a child to carry the weight of adult conflict.
South African law places the child’s best interests at the centre of all matters concerning children. Where parental conflict affects a child’s welfare, contact arrangements, schooling, or emotional wellbeing, legal intervention may become necessary — and the courts have a range of tools to protect the child.
Parents are encouraged to communicate directly, follow agreed arrangements, avoid exposing children to adult disputes, and seek legal advice when conflict begins to interfere with the child’s wellbeing.
Contact an expert at SchoemanLaw Inc in Cape Town or Paarl for assistance with divorce, parenting plans, and family law matters. Our experienced attorneys will help you protect what matters most — your children.
